here we go again

Hello everybody.

I hate writing on this thing, but I think it's therapudic or something. It helps me sort out my head and get a grip on what I'm actually feeling.

Sometimes I feel like I have a whole hurricane of thoughts and emotions storming inside of my head and my heart, and it scares me to death. I'm too small of a man to survive in the middle of that. That is why I spend my life ignoring myself. I walk around listening to music, spending time with people I can talk to, or watching movies, anything to keep myself from actually living my life. And when I can't find people to distract me, or things to do, I'll just fall asleep. Because I'd rather be living in a dream than have to turn inward and try to come to terms with whatever the hell is going on inside me.

The other problem is that I know exactly what I can and should be doing to help myself. I know I should be reading my scriptures and saying my prayers. I know I should be attending church more regularly, but what I hate is the fact that it makes such a huge difference. Why can't I just be happy on my own? Why do I have to become exactly what I'm supposed to become just to be happy? It's my life right? Why can't I just be happy? What's the point of being born as a unique individual if the only way I can enjoy my life is to become someone else and ignore the things I really want?

I don't know, maybe I'm having a crisis of faith, maybe I just need to stop being so focused on myself. Either way, if your reading this I love you, and I mean that. I'd be nothing without my friends and family (not that I'm anything especially great right now anyway) but I appreciate everything you've done for me, even if we barely know each other.

well anyway, have a great day

Take it to Manhattan

So it's been a while since I wrote on here, and I made a commitment to my self and probably my mother that I would keep this fairly up to date. So these are my blog's thoughts:

... I sat here and tried to write about how I'm feeling for an hour. I erased everything I typed because I'm sick of sounding whiny and depressed. I'm doing fine! I have nothing to complain about! I have good friends and an amazing family. I have spent the last year and half wallowing in my own pity and self loathing, and it was miserable!

All of that is over now.

two years ago I met an amazing girl. we started dating, and fell in love. but apparently something went wrong, she broke up with me, and hasn't spoke to me since. I assumed that it was because of some flaw in my character, I had done something wrong. I couldn't stop beating myself up about it.

I feel so naive. I always thought I was somehow immune to the whole "first love"thing. I always thought i was somehow just gonna get it right, and if their were troubles it would all work itself out by the end, like a movie. I just never really thought that she would ever not be a part of the big picture. I guess I just denied the fact that i needed to get over her but couldn't.

But like I said all of that is over now. I am done hating myself because she doesn't love me. it has gotten me nowhere.

I feel a bit like Straylight Run when they sang: "I've had it up to here with... I've had enough of all of these songs of self-imposed unhappiness"

I am sick of feeling like crap for no reason... so I'm done.

It's not like years ago

So I can't sleep again. I just got back from seeing Transformers 2. I love driving late at night; I guess I just love being up late. But I love the feeling of knowing that no one else in the car is going to bother you. They might be asleep they might not, but you know the won't say anything. It's these moments when I enjoy listening to my love songs. I have a select few songs that have special significance to me. Aside from being amazing pieces of music, and being the perfect sound for the moment, these songs remind me of who I really am. I am not the kind of person who wants to watch two giant alien robots fight each other. I am the kind of person who would rather watch a movie that believes what I do about movies. I believe that movies are the ultimate art form. they encompass almost all others. The cinematography should reflect an effort to portray the movie the way a photographer would. The Story telling should be just as well developed and thought out as any novel. The soundtrack should strive to shape the feelings of the listener. And that's just the beginning. I'm not saying that transformers was a bad movie, but to say that I enjoyed it would not be true to myself. Movies are not meant to merely entertain. Yet millions of people a will pay ten bucks to sit in a theater and turn their brains off for an hour and a half. Art should stimulate, not entertain.

Getting back to my love songs, I call them that because I love the way they help me get in touch with what i really believe. It's as I go through life and I collect all this crap and dirt on myself. but these songs strip it all away. They leave me raw, pure, and true to myself.

If you want to take a listen to them here are a few:

My Lady's House - Iron & Wine
More Than Life - Whitley
The Crane Wife, Part 3 - The Decemberists
Black River - Amos Lee
Nightswimming - R.E.M.
Green Eyes - Coldplay

blog

This is my very third or fourth blog. I say very because it's funny. I don't understand why people say very first. It's either first or not, saying very first doesn't distinguish it from anything. So i decided to say very third, just to get you smiling on the inside.

This brings us to the subject of today's blog: My life totally doesn't suck right now, which is a problem, because everything is going great, except I'm still not happy! I have good friends, no responsibility, and no one to answer to. Yet I still feel like i am missing something.

I was in a relationship a while back, maybe that's what I'm missing. the problem is (don't get offended) I can't find anyone that i like well enough to spend that kind of time with. I am always looking for reasons to leave whatever situation I am in, and find something else to do. Then twenty minutes into that i am bored again and have to leave. This isn't just about girls, but my regular friends too. I'm starting to hate myself for it. I can't stand to spend time with my friends, what kind of freak am I? It seems like the only time I have any peace in my life is when I am walking around town at two in the morning by myself. I half wish I could meet someone new on one of these walks. They might be like me, they might understand the peace that comes when you don't care about anyone in your life. They might be just as self-centered; To the point that they find every other human being boring beyond belief.

Every couple of years or so I see a movie that i relate to so thouroughly that it changes my life, in the past it has been Big Fish, Stranger than Fiction, and Garden State. a few weeks ago it happened again. I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The main character in the movie decides that he wants to have his ex-girlfriend erased from his memory. Half way through the process though he realizes that he still loves her and wants to stop it. he tries to hide her in memories she doesn't belong in and things like that. It was an extremely well made movie, and it struck me deeply. I'm not sure how much i want to say here, but I feel like this movie defines me well. It is defenitly worth watching.

I hope I haven't offended anyone, I value your friendship in ways i cannot describe, but these are just my feelings tonight.