here we go again

Hello everybody.

I hate writing on this thing, but I think it's therapudic or something. It helps me sort out my head and get a grip on what I'm actually feeling.

Sometimes I feel like I have a whole hurricane of thoughts and emotions storming inside of my head and my heart, and it scares me to death. I'm too small of a man to survive in the middle of that. That is why I spend my life ignoring myself. I walk around listening to music, spending time with people I can talk to, or watching movies, anything to keep myself from actually living my life. And when I can't find people to distract me, or things to do, I'll just fall asleep. Because I'd rather be living in a dream than have to turn inward and try to come to terms with whatever the hell is going on inside me.

The other problem is that I know exactly what I can and should be doing to help myself. I know I should be reading my scriptures and saying my prayers. I know I should be attending church more regularly, but what I hate is the fact that it makes such a huge difference. Why can't I just be happy on my own? Why do I have to become exactly what I'm supposed to become just to be happy? It's my life right? Why can't I just be happy? What's the point of being born as a unique individual if the only way I can enjoy my life is to become someone else and ignore the things I really want?

I don't know, maybe I'm having a crisis of faith, maybe I just need to stop being so focused on myself. Either way, if your reading this I love you, and I mean that. I'd be nothing without my friends and family (not that I'm anything especially great right now anyway) but I appreciate everything you've done for me, even if we barely know each other.

well anyway, have a great day